2008 Woodie Awards
Hey! Don't Play The Game: Establishing the "just friends" relationship without the hurt
Amy Gino
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Here's the scenario: a typical guy has been hanging out with a super-cool girl for a while now, watching movies together, creating inside jokes, chatting for hours online and even getting a little flirty. Then, she works up the courage to confess that she has feelings for him. The moment of truth--the guy likes spending time with her, but he really has no intention of hooking up with her, for whatever reason. So, he's honest with her, expressing that he just wants to be friends. What now? After the momentary awkwardness passes, the next logical step would be to do just that--continue traveling down the road of friendship that the two of them have already paved together. Logical as it may seem, this is not always what happens. Here is an example of one disastrous way the "just friends" situation is sometimes handled.
"Lisa" used to be a shy girl who would rather die than tell a guy she had a crush on him, but finally, during her junior year of high school, Lisa got up the nerve to spill her feelings. In her mind, all the signs were there; she was positive he felt the same way she did and couldn't wait to embark on a blissful relationship with him. Sadly, her little bubble of idealism burst when he responded with, "I like you too, but I'm not looking for a relationship right now. Let's just be friends." Seeing that she had no other choice in the matter, Lisa was prepared to swallow her feelings and anticipated that the two of them would go back to treating each other as nothing more than buddies. When his flirtations continued, Lisa was a bit confused, beginning to think that perhaps he had changed his mind about starting a relationship. And she was right--he was ready for a relationship--with Lisa's best friend. Ouch. Talk about a healthy kick to her self-esteem. As bad as it was for him to be flaunting his new relationship right in front of her, the worse part of all was how disillusioned Lisa had become. She was so hurt that he knew how she felt about him, yet he continued to brazenly string her along.
This was just the first in a long line of confessions for Lisa as she began attending college; sadly, each time she spilled her feelings to her crush, she was met with the same response: "Let's just be friends." Being a female, Lisa spent countless hours analyzing and over-analyzing all of her interactions with guys. To this day, she has never been anywhere close to being in a serious relationship, though she has had more than her share of heartbreaks. Of course, each of these setbacks has not diminished her determination to keep searching for Mr. Right, nor should it discourage anyone else who has had a similar experience.
The fact of the matter is there is nothing wrong with a guy telling a girl that he is not interested in her and using the "just friends" excuse; the trouble surfaces when he continues to act in a way that might suggest otherwise. Unfortunately, women have found themselves being lead on by "friends" time after time, to varying degrees. It is highly possible that this has never been the guys' intention, and perhaps they are completely oblivious to the confusion they have created. Thus, here is a bit of enlightenment for men--a female's perspective of what guys should not do when establishing a "just friends" relationship with a crushing girl.
1. Do not flirt with her.
If a girl has vocalized her feelings for a guy, it will be harder for her to deal with the rejection if he continues his flirtations. Even if he is the type of person that will flirt with everyone and everything without meaning anything by it, he should make sure he watches his interactions with her. Remember, he has told her that she's just a friend. Would a guy normally make a sexually suggestive comment to one of his male buddies? How about sending a guy friend a rose on Valentine's Day? If not, then he shouldn't do it to her either. If he does, these actions will most likely send her mixed signals and leave her with the hope that he has changed his mind about their status. Then, she'll be disappointed when nothing further comes of it. By all means, he can still be himself; he just needs to keep himself in check and become more aware of the things he says and does when interacting with her. The key: not leading her on.
2. Do not start dating her best friend two weeks later.
Seeing a crush hook up with someone soon after she has been turned down will hurt, but it is far worse when it is right in front of her face. Ideally, it's best if the guy keeps his intimate relationships far away from the girl's social circle. If, however, he is highly interested in someone close to her, he should wait a month or two--give her time to move on. Premature dating of a friend could not only make her feel bad about herself, but it could potentially ruin her friendship with her gal pal. This may especially become a problem if he and the new girlfriend have a messy breakup. Being stuck between a grieving gal pal and a guy she has feelings for is not an easy place for a girl to be.
3. Do not make out with her.
Limiting physical contact to handshakes, high fives and the occasional hug is the best policy when it comes to dealing with a girl who has a crush. While there are a number of people who can emotionally detach themselves from lip service, it will be near impossible for a girl if she has already openly developed feelings for a guy. If he is going to be kissing her, she's probably going to take that as a sign that a relationship is developing. The guy should not get her hopes up if he doesn't want anything more than some spit-swapping.
4. Above all else, DO NOT sleep with her!
It is a well-known fact that guys and girls tend to have different views on the meaning of sex. As a stereotype, males will jump at any chance to get some action, even if it is with someone they are not deeply attracted to. Most girls, on the other hand, view sex as an intimate act, involving emotional investment and the development of a relationship. Even if he reminds her before, during and after the deed that they are "just friends," his actions are much more audible to her heart than his words. If he knows she has feelings for him, and if he has no intention of becoming emotionally attached to her, he should save her the inevitable heartache, resist the urge to satisfy his animal instincts, and keep it in his pants.
If a guy finds that he has engaged in any of the above no-no's, he should not let it happen again. Repeated offences simply prolong and intensify the pain she will eventually endure when she discovers she is still "just a friend." In addition, the worst thing he could possibly do is act like she doesn't exist. Ignoring her will be counterproductive in her healing process. Blatant avoidance and giving her the cold shoulder are like driving a stake through her already battered heart. When all else fails, he needs to take his lead from her--if she wants to talk about it, he should be as honest and open with her as he can manage. If she is avoiding him like the plague, he should give her space, but still be pleasant.
Of course, this all sounds extremely sexist, suggesting that males are the only ones responsible for leading girls on. There is no doubt that all the above stipulations can be applied to any gender combination. Any time someone expresses their feelings for someone else and it is not a mutual attraction, it is best that friendship, and only friendship, is the outcome. Sure, it's flattering to have an admirer. As an added bonus, it takes a load of pressure off, knowing there are no worries about being rejected if a move is made on the person with a crush--after all, isn't that why society created the term "friends with benefits"? Wrong! That's a messy situation to begin with, and it's even worse when one person has expressed interest in the other individual. It is imperative not to get caught up in any moments or take advantage of any situations--put all egos aside and think about how any suggestive actions are really affecting the declared "friendship."
Of course, all bets are off if feelings are never vocalized. No one can be expected to gauge someone's feelings for them. Likewise, no one can expect someone else to inherently know they have a crush on them; no matter how many hints are flirtatiously dropped, it's better for both parties involved if the person with a crush fesses up. Even if the affections are not returned, it's out there, in the open, publicly displayed, and the guessing game is put to an end.
So, the moral of the story is: Emotions are complex and tricky. Everyone is affected differently by the various relationships they encounter throughout life. In spite of the repetitive heartbreaks, things will work out for everyone, someday. Everyone should take the risk and confess to their feelings; after all, honesty is the best policy. Just remember--if there is only going to be friendship, then it should be left at that. When someone declares their feelings for another person, and that person is going to pull the "just friends" card, the only decent thing for them to do is back off. Don't play the game!