Western Oregon Journal

Issue date: 10/19/07 Section: Culture

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My feelings after renting Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer can be summed up in one teary-eyed statement: As a fan of both comics and movies, I'm very offended. Movies like this upset me to the point of solemn silence. I couldn't even explore the DVD's special features, because the movie was nothing special by itself.

So, in the mother of all pointless sequels, the Fantastic Four, a team of scientists-turned-superheroes, try to save the world when it is threatened by a mysterious alien being and his destructive master. Yadda-yadda-yadda, next we're watching an expensive Dodge Hemi commercial.

Of course, the cinematography is impressive, and the special effects are above average but neither are really 'Fantastic.' One question I do have, visually speaking, is why can they make Michael Chiklis into a giant orange rock, but they can't give Jessica Alba a natural blonde look? Her hair looked like the cheap, synthetic wig that you can buy for two bucks at Wal-Mart. Her face also seemed heavily enhanced, as if the make-up department got bored before every scene. I think Jessica Alba is gorgeous, but in this movie she looked like a poorly constructed Barbie doll.

The script for this movie wasn't going to be Oscar-worthy, I understand. However, the complete lack of ambition regarding character development or tension is shameful. Not once did I feel any half-hearted worry for the heroes, or mild hatred of the villains. Conflicts between them seemed to spring up and fizzle out on a whim. And for the love of Pete, who decided to bring back Julian McMahon as Dr. Doom? Was there really a point to that? His character seldom serves a purpose, and he plays it with the subtlety of an Ed Wood film. "I hate you. All four of you," actual dialogue, kids. No fakes.

Which brings me to the acting. They should have subtitled this flick "Rise of the Lazy Paycheck." Every cast member appeared lethargic, relying on the effects to hide their boredom…and mine. Is it not sad that Alba, Chiklis, Chris Evans, and Ioan Gruffudd don't even look convinced of their own superpowers? I was mildly intrigued by Doug Jones as the titular flying tinman, but only because I wanted to know what his delivery of the lines were (Jones had his voice replaced by Laurence Fishburne, who really can't stop playing Morpheus anymore).

All in all, this movie is defined, in my book, as ham-fisted. Stan Lee's obligatory cameo, the built-in merchandise for Dodge, Dell and Nokia, and the largest set of cheap jokes I've ever seen…these are only a handful of reasons to not see this one.

I liked the first Fantastic outing, but this didn't live up to it. Anyone who thought Spider-Man 3 was chock full of cheesy jokes and lazy acting, stay away from this. Galactus may be the Destructor of Worlds, but this whole fragmented mess of a feature is the Ruiner of Good Times for all.•

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