2008 Woodie Awards
Queerly Yours
Gerry Blakney
Issue date: 10/26/07 Section: Post
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If I was created in God's image, then I believe God must be gay. Not the flamboyant, obviously gay male that the media loves to stereotype, but instead the quiet and reserved gay uncle or distant cousin that we all have. Nonetheless, gay as a mail-order fruit basket for Easter.
How else would you explain His need to create so many people? As a gay male, I am picky, an overachiever and a people pleaser, therefore, God must be one too. He created all my brothers and sisters and simply tweaked the mold a little bit. Sure He could have stopped with Adam and Steve (yes, I couldn't help it, thank you religious right),but instead He continued. He made Eve and her sultry lover, Andrea. He made famed Adam and Eve, Adam who liked both Eve and Steve and for that matter Eve who liked both Adam and Andrea. He made Christina who used to be named Chris and Sam who used to be named Samantha.
God created mauve, fuchsia, periwinkle, maroon, pink and purple. He thought up floral prints, filigree, polyester, sequins, beading and little dogs. In fact, I too own a tiny dog. And you know what they say about little dogs don't you? Well, apparently the way to gauge HOW gay a man is, is by the size of his dog. No it is true- the smaller the dog and the leash your heartthrob is using, the GAYER he is! I am sure God had a small toy poodle named Princess Star that He'd walk with a thread-like, bejeweled leash. Sorry gals.
I won't ask if the apostles were gay or not and they probably wouldn't tell. But didn't anyone else think it quee... questionable that they were all males? I think they were at least God's crushes. It was a modern day scandal the equivalent of when New Jersey Governor, James McGreevey, resigned because he was gay and had a male lover who was also on his staff. Except God did not have to quit and the apostles were safe. Thank God.
A gay man would be the only one bold enough to have one name, let alone call himself "God." (Can you say Prince?) God was a humanitarian, created flowers, gay clubs, the rainbow and sunsets. Only a gay man would live in a swanky penthouse over-looking everyone. Snob?
How else would you explain His need to create so many people? As a gay male, I am picky, an overachiever and a people pleaser, therefore, God must be one too. He created all my brothers and sisters and simply tweaked the mold a little bit. Sure He could have stopped with Adam and Steve (yes, I couldn't help it, thank you religious right),but instead He continued. He made Eve and her sultry lover, Andrea. He made famed Adam and Eve, Adam who liked both Eve and Steve and for that matter Eve who liked both Adam and Andrea. He made Christina who used to be named Chris and Sam who used to be named Samantha.
God created mauve, fuchsia, periwinkle, maroon, pink and purple. He thought up floral prints, filigree, polyester, sequins, beading and little dogs. In fact, I too own a tiny dog. And you know what they say about little dogs don't you? Well, apparently the way to gauge HOW gay a man is, is by the size of his dog. No it is true- the smaller the dog and the leash your heartthrob is using, the GAYER he is! I am sure God had a small toy poodle named Princess Star that He'd walk with a thread-like, bejeweled leash. Sorry gals.
I won't ask if the apostles were gay or not and they probably wouldn't tell. But didn't anyone else think it quee... questionable that they were all males? I think they were at least God's crushes. It was a modern day scandal the equivalent of when New Jersey Governor, James McGreevey, resigned because he was gay and had a male lover who was also on his staff. Except God did not have to quit and the apostles were safe. Thank God.
A gay man would be the only one bold enough to have one name, let alone call himself "God." (Can you say Prince?) God was a humanitarian, created flowers, gay clubs, the rainbow and sunsets. Only a gay man would live in a swanky penthouse over-looking everyone. Snob?
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