2008 Woodie Awards
A Loving Point of View
Advice for Freshmen, Sophomores and… Oh Just Read It!
Blair Loving
Issue date: 1/11/08 Section: Post
As my grandfather used to say, "Stupidity should hurt."
Why is it that everyone has a grandfather that said something brilliant or funny or memorable? Most of these little phrases they probably made up by themselves. But why is it always 'grandfather'? Because if they went around saying, "My mom used to say…" they would sound like a fool (see Chrétien de Troyes' "Perceval"… that's right Dr. Lange, I remembered something from class). Somehow the words of a grandfather are kin to the uttering of a sage; and so, every clever thing to come out of a humble intelligent man's mouth begins with the words, "my grandfather used to say…" making himself the offspring of brilliance or good humor, if the phrase is brilliant or humorous, or distantly related to the insane or mentally infirm if the phrase is unaccepted by his audience. He can proclaim, "Yeah, he was a brilliant man" and silently glow with pride, or he can shuck off the ridicule and say, "yeah, crazy old man, huh." The sage grandfather is really a great social safety net.
"I heard somewhere/once that…" another great mask of stupidity. Every professor will recognize this little gem. The unreferenced source. This translates as, 'I think this is true but am not willing to claim support for this statement, because if it's wrong, "someone" is wrong not me, I'm merely telling you about it.' This is a long translation for a four word preface, which is one reason it is used so often. If you hear this phrase watch out you are about to hear something from a crackpot. If you find yourself saying this phrase STOP, say "never mind" and politely change the subject before you hurt yourself.
Here's some advice for anyone who has or ever will write a paper, which means all of you-never state the obvious, such as: "It is obvious that…" or "It is clear that…" If you have to use one of these phrases it means what ever "it" may be, in reality, is far from clear or obvious and you're dressing your argument in the emperor's new clothes-everyone can see through it but you. The same thing goes for, "You will agree…" and all other phrases in that vein. This is not what your professor means when they ask you to clarify something; they want you to elaborate and make it clear not to say it's clear.
You've all heard the phrase, "The only stupid question is the one that isn't asked." I was in class one day and a student (who will purposefully remain anonymous) actually asked what that meant. The teacher's response was, "It means the question is only stupid if you don't ask it." We can now apply to this the advice of Forrest Gump's mother "stupid is as stupid does," (if he had referred to her as his "grandfather" he would have been a hero to thousands). And so we come to the conclusion that: stupid people don't ask questions.
Now, through the magic of punctuation, let me take this little statement and make it better. Stupid people, don't ask questions. Please. Just stop.
Why is it that everyone has a grandfather that said something brilliant or funny or memorable? Most of these little phrases they probably made up by themselves. But why is it always 'grandfather'? Because if they went around saying, "My mom used to say…" they would sound like a fool (see Chrétien de Troyes' "Perceval"… that's right Dr. Lange, I remembered something from class). Somehow the words of a grandfather are kin to the uttering of a sage; and so, every clever thing to come out of a humble intelligent man's mouth begins with the words, "my grandfather used to say…" making himself the offspring of brilliance or good humor, if the phrase is brilliant or humorous, or distantly related to the insane or mentally infirm if the phrase is unaccepted by his audience. He can proclaim, "Yeah, he was a brilliant man" and silently glow with pride, or he can shuck off the ridicule and say, "yeah, crazy old man, huh." The sage grandfather is really a great social safety net.
"I heard somewhere/once that…" another great mask of stupidity. Every professor will recognize this little gem. The unreferenced source. This translates as, 'I think this is true but am not willing to claim support for this statement, because if it's wrong, "someone" is wrong not me, I'm merely telling you about it.' This is a long translation for a four word preface, which is one reason it is used so often. If you hear this phrase watch out you are about to hear something from a crackpot. If you find yourself saying this phrase STOP, say "never mind" and politely change the subject before you hurt yourself.
Here's some advice for anyone who has or ever will write a paper, which means all of you-never state the obvious, such as: "It is obvious that…" or "It is clear that…" If you have to use one of these phrases it means what ever "it" may be, in reality, is far from clear or obvious and you're dressing your argument in the emperor's new clothes-everyone can see through it but you. The same thing goes for, "You will agree…" and all other phrases in that vein. This is not what your professor means when they ask you to clarify something; they want you to elaborate and make it clear not to say it's clear.
You've all heard the phrase, "The only stupid question is the one that isn't asked." I was in class one day and a student (who will purposefully remain anonymous) actually asked what that meant. The teacher's response was, "It means the question is only stupid if you don't ask it." We can now apply to this the advice of Forrest Gump's mother "stupid is as stupid does," (if he had referred to her as his "grandfather" he would have been a hero to thousands). And so we come to the conclusion that: stupid people don't ask questions.
Now, through the magic of punctuation, let me take this little statement and make it better. Stupid people, don't ask questions. Please. Just stop.
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